It seems, despite the fact I try and do my best to avoid it, that I always end up getting my heart broken in the month of August. I don't know what it is about those 30 days, but inevitably, nearly every year, my heart gets blasted with news I really didn't want to face (and frankly, don't deserve). This year was no different, and especially after the praying and the hoping and the toiling, this time it felt like the last straw.
Already had I said the phrase, "I'm done" or "this is it" in regards to my heart situation. It felt as though if I were to receive one more blow, my heart would literally explode. I cannot and will not take it anymore. Because my heart can't.
I had the summer off. The month of July was almost entirely spent in Nashville with my family, and in the midst of the August blues, I was working every so often and hanging out with fantastic friends. So while August was painful, it wasn't a total loss...I mean, I got a Disney pass, so that can help mend a broken heart. Two years ago, it was a kitten, this time, a mouse.
Still, once September hit, because of the gunk that I had been through, I needed to GO.
So, Friday, after work, I drove up the 5 and landed in Santa Barbara, where I stayed with a new friend and her roommates. Luckily, her comfortable couch made my 5 hour drive on Saturday bearable. Driving up to the city that day was exciting. I had plans to stay with my Brooklyn roommate, who now lives in the hilly area that is San Fran.
Saturday night was eventful, as I ran into my Boston roommate, who happens to work at the same restaurant my Brooklyn roommate works at; a fact none of us were aware of until we were all in a 5 foot radius of one another. The icing on the cake was getting to catch up with an old flame, a man I haven't seen for about 6 years, and the last time he saw me, I was 21 and crying under an umbrella in the North End of Boston.
1) Things Come Full Circle
Even though this lesson was learned before I started my drive back down, this is a good one. Consider it a freebie. Life throws us a lot of changes and things that seem like endings. God knows I get that. That has been my story so far. I have moved 5 times and every relationship I've invested in has ended. The longest friendship I have still going strong is the one I have with my little brother. I get change, I get loss, I get temporary.
But lately, I have noticed that things that once seemed lost are coming back around again. Not in a bad way, not in an unwelcome way, but like a lost toy that you find in the back of your closet. It never really left, it was just misplaced. I think of that scene in Hook, when Robin Williams is in Peter Pan's lair, and he sees his old teddy. The teddy was never lost, it wasn't destroyed in the fire, it was just somewhere else.
These friendships and relationships that were once very close have come back around. No, I didn't rekindle an old romance, and no, I'm not moving to San Francisco to be closer to two old roommates, but I did re-find them, and I see that they are alive and well and to see them again was a happy and life giving experience.
Monday morning, I began my drive at 6:30am. Leaving the gleaming peninsula of San Francisco, and heading south on the Pacific Coast Highway. First stop: Half Moon Bay. at 7:15am, with my bagel in hand, I watched the early morning surfers head out. The fog was still encroaching upon the bay and the cliffs, and right there, right then, it was the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
2) This is the most beautiful thing you will ever see.
There's a lot of beauty around us. I have seen waterfalls and mountains and arches and canyons that have blown my mind because they are so beautiful. But right now, right here, wherever you are, is the most beautiful thing you will ever see. Because life can change and shift in an instant, and your sight may stop or life itself could stop. So take a look around, and find something beautiful. I promise, it's there. The plus side to this is if you wait a little while longer, you might see something that supercedes your view at this moment.
Next stop, the Santa Cruz boardwalk. I didn't linger here, as I needed to keep making good time, but got here early, before the boardwalk was buzzing with life. The rides weren't open. I took a quick walk, used the restroom, then left.
3) If you have an idea, DO IT. Don't let money stop you.
I saw a photobooth and thought about how fun it would be to take pictures by myself. I didn't do it, because for 4 photos, it was $5. And I thought, "$5?!? Not worth it". Lesson here: It's worth it. I am now kicking myself that I do not have a physical black and white photo strip from the Santa Cruz boardwalk.
I paid the $10 to cruise the 17 Mile Drive at Pebble Beach. I did this mainly because of my family's long history of loving golf. I didn't really understand that it was going to incredible view after incredible view. I stopped, walked in Spanish Bay, eating my apple. Watching surfers and golfers partake in the respected sport. Saw some old trees, saw some old people.
4) I need to take up golf.
There's no deep meaning here. I simply need to start playing.
Since Carmel is right next to Pebble Beach, I stopped in Fr. Serra's favorite mission. At my job, we talk about Serra in our CA presentation, so I needed to pay homage. Carmel is adorable, and I want to vacation there at some point.
5) Religion is not the point.
This is something I already know and practice. Religion, it's most basic form, is the gate to keep yourself in line. And unfortunately, it keeps others at arm's length. While it motivates people to do great things, it doesn't fulfill the cry of man's heart, which is to be loved and to love. Seeing the missions here in CA are just a reminder that we can try to do great things, but if we keep up the gate, the great things will wither and die within their confines.
BIG SUR.
6) Sacrifices are sometimes necessary.
Driving through Big Sur was the hardest thing for me to do because I knew if I went off a-wandering, I never wouldn't made it back home on time, and my boss would've not been happy Tuesday morning. I knew that beyond the trees and the campsites there were hiking trails and beautiful views. If I had tempted myself just a little bit, I would've stayed. My sacrifice that day was to tell myself no and leave it for another day (or weekend, or month-cation...). Big Sur, even though I said no, I will say yes someday.
The rest of the trip didn't include as many stops, but I did see a lot. Morro Bay, with the giant, random rock in the middle of the bay. Elephant seals in San Simeon (WHY ARE THERE SO MANY!?!?). Hitting Labor Day traffic in Los Angeles (surprise surprise). And finally making it home, turning a typical 8 hour drive into a 15 hour drive.
Some extras:
7) Crying in your car can be therapeutic.
Because the only people who could possibly see you will probably never see you again.
8) Driving around 55-65 MPH with the windows down *may* cause hearing damage for the next 3 days.
I said "What?" a lot at work the next day.
9) I get shin splints from driving.
Seriously. I need to learn to drive with my left foot too.
10) Being single is awesome.
This last lesson is the most important one I learned along the PCH. Anyone who knows me and my story knows that in the realm of romance, I have been crushed again and again. The desire to be with someone, fall in love, get married has sometimes been overwhelming, especially this past year. But the A-HA moment that if I were married, or even dating someone, I couldn't just get up and go. I would have to run it by the man in question, make sure he didn't have any plans, see if he wanted to go (even though this was a "me" trip and he's not invited), sort of feel guilty about leaving without him, and overall, not have this incredible experience of making time on my own.
I am super single right now. Like, if being single was a superpower, I have it. And it's not awesome all the time. In fact, most of the time, it sucks. I kind of feel like Daredevil. But this trip, and the other moments where I can just choose how to spend my day, or weekend remind me that I am independent and love that freedom; and at least for now, I think I'll keep it. Until a miracle happens. Because it will take a very special and strong man to get past this epiphany, as well as the moat and drawbridge, and the soldiers who are ready to take aim, and the ultimate protector who has my heart fully.
Epilogue.
In the form of a suggestion: Drive SOUTH on the PCH. Not North, South. By yourself. And see what happens. Create your own list, and maybe you'll come back, realizing that you have a superpower too.
